Marriage Counseling

Choosing a Life Partner...?

We know that it is the Lord's will for people to have a mate if they desire one. In the beginning when God created Adam, God Himself made this statement: "... It isn't good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him" (Genesis2:18). The Lord wants to bring a mate to those who will ask Him and have thepatience to wait for His choice.

There are some single people who are constantly out looking for a mate, and they are miserable because God has not sent them one yet. They have prayed and prayed; yet they still have no mate. Some settle for Satan's provision instead of asking God for the patience to wait for the one whom He would send. If they would look to Jesus and seek to please Him, rather than being concerned about a mate, soon they would find the right one crossing their path. Looking for a man or woman to just keep them from being lonely or just to fill their needs or to be a father or mother to their children should not be the only reasons for desiring a mate. They also need to be concerned about what kind of husband or wife they would be for a mate. These single people are still much in the flesh if they just want their own needs met. They should ask the Lord to fill them with His love and peace.

Being single is an important time to prepare us for marriage. It can also be a time to experience a closer communion with God. As we seek God to cleanse us of the world and helps become the kind of wife or husband that would bless someone, we will soon find that wearer not lonely. First, the Lord would begin using us to bless others; then we will find wearer content in Him. Eventually, in God's plan and timing, He will bless us with a wonderful mate so that both lives can be a witness for Him. We believe if a marriage cannot glorify the Lord, then it would be better to remain alone. There are worse things than being alone. One of these is to be out of God's will by compromising and marrying someone who does not feel the same way we do about the Lord.

Marriage is the second major choice we make in our lives, and we should never enter into it without much prayer. To rush into a marriage can be disastrous. The most important decision of our lives, of course, is our decision to follow the Lord. This decision is not a one-time declaration, but a daily determination to follow Jesus above all. If we allow the emotional or soulish realm to dominate our lives we become more susceptible to the enemy leading us astray through someone. This area of the flesh should be brought under the Lord's subjection so that Satan does not get the advantage and consequently destroy our lives and ministries. So many have failed the Lord because they chose a man or woman over the Lord.

We find this true throughout the Bible, too. Solomon's heathen wives led him in to idolatry. Samson lost his eyes because of a woman, Delilah. David committed murder because of passion for Bath Sheba.

1 Corinthians 13 in the Bible gives us a beautiful definition of real love: (In this King James translation the word "charity" means"love.")

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profited me nothing.
4 Charity suffered long, and is kind; charity envied not; charity vaunted not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, sleeked not her own, is not easily provoked, think ethno evil;
6 Rejoiced not in iniquity, but rejoiced in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hoped all things, endured all things.
8 Charity never failed: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13 And now abided faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

Man's emotions are not a reliable gauge upon which to establish a marriage relationship. We must know in the Spirit that it is God's will. It is much better to marry for character than for emotion. Emotions fluctuate; character doesn't. Emotions are in the soulish realm, and unless the carnal mind has been renewed, Satan can give us emotions or feelings of love for someone of his choosing. (If he did not have this in his power, he could not split up marriages.) One of his favorite techniques is to suddenly take away the feelings one once had for his mate and give feelings for someone else. When he has successfully convinced a person that he no longer loves his or her mate, then he leads them to divorce, whispering, "You are living a lie." After he has destroyed thatmarriage, he then leads one to marry again by stirring their emotions for another. Often after their next marriage something happens that they do not expect. Before too long, friction begins to develop with the new mate, then arguing. Finally, they find the something has happened again; they feel no emotion for their new mate and the next divorce is in the making. "Falling" in love is Satan's way. The very expression of these words should tell us something. A Christian should not blindly "fall" into any trap. Love is bigger than simply falling for someone. Certainly, the Lord gives us a wonderful emotional feeling for the one we are to marry. However, this "feeling"without God's direction can be disastrous as Satan can tamper with our emotions and feelings too.

Marriage, in a Christian's life, should be based on a decision directed by the Holy Spirit. A Christian's love for another is a commitment. Of course, the Lord will supply the emotions for the mate He sends, but that should not be the criterion for making the decision to marry. The Lord should be sought, and whatever He speaks to us we should do. He knows the future and what is best for us. If we trust Him He will not fail us in this or any other important area. Women or men who allow emotions to rule them will never be victorious Christians. Emotions should always follow, never lead.

During Old and New Testament times, fathers and mothers chose the mates for their children. God's people were very careful to choose those who were "believers."We find this practice still prevalent in India and other Eastern cultures. The parents, being older and more prudent, made wiser decisions than the children in this area.Marriages that are loveless can be saved and restored simply by asking God to restore the love that was once there. Praying for adesire for one's mate can also heal sexual relationships. Prayer is a mighty weapon. God's love can mend and heal, providing people are willing to lay down their lives for their mates. His love will not fade, as does the love of the world.

Those who are single and have never been married are cautioned in God's Word to seek a mate who is a like believer. "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? (II Corinthians 6:14)." Many precious people suffer because they are living with unsaved mates. Some did not have Christ when they made their marriage decision, but they have since found the Lord. Those will have God's grace and love to win their mates for Jesus. The Lord always strives to bring the lost mate to Himself through the partner who knows Him. Mighty miracles of deliverance and salvation have occurred when people have endured suffering in order to bring their mates to the Lord. Those people who have the light, but choose to marry into darkness by yoking themselves to unsaved mates find that their flesh has led them away from God.

The Lord wants to bless marriage unions and see His plans fulfilled in both mates' lives. What a glorious plan He had from the beginning for both male and female. We can trust Him in this important decision. If we will totally commit to do His will we will never be disappointed in the one He sends into our lives.

Our emotions need to be cleansed as they are not the sign of love. The true definition of love is "God is love." If God is not in a relationship it is not true love. What this world calls love is really lust since it is built on what the other person does for me, not what I can do for him or her. If the other person fails tokeep up his end of the bargain, a divorce occurs because the offended mate is no longer pleased. This is the attitude of the world's so-called "love." God's love loves without receiving back; God's love is forgiving and patient. God's love is gentle and kind. God's love waits. God's love sacrifices.

Every creature is drawn to give itself in love.Receiving and giving are both parts of loving.

The Sounds between the spaces

"Love is patient and kind";but lovers are dreadfully impatient and can be terribly unkind.

"Love is not jealous";but lovers can and do grow greeneyed with jealousy.

"Love is not rude"but lovers can be barbarously boorish.

"Love does not insist on its own way"but lovers get rigidly set in their ways.

"Love rejoices in the right and in the truth"but lovers come to tears and tantrums on what is right,on what is true.

"Love believes all things,hopes all things,endures all things"but lovers doubt,lovers despair,lovers find one another difficult to endure.

"Love never ends"countless lovers have fallen out of love.

An immortal diamond

"Christ on my right hand,Christ on my left hand"

The diamond engagment ring was a symbol,a public statement of the love for each other.Like any precious stone,that diomond had to be cut,shaped and polished the better to display its sparkling brilliance and beauty.You will also have to work at developing and shaping your lives together as man and wife.

Sexual love

Sexual intercourse is a body language.When two people are making love they are talking to each other.In the biblical language they are getting to know each other.They are saying at least five things.
1.In the course of coitus a couple are experiencing pleasure and they want to thank each other for that joy.They do this with or without words.Thus Sexual intercourse is an act of thanksgiving.
2.when couples have made love they want to repeat it immidiately,the next day or the day after.Implicit in this desire is the hope that their spouse will want them again.Now it is a recurrent act of hope.
3.In the course of the day couples hurt each other.Some of this hurt is forgiven and forgotten immediately,but some pain can remain,and it is coitus that takes it away.So sexual intercourse can be an act of reconciliation
4.Coitus is the most economic and powerful way by which a man makes a women feel a women,and a women makes a man feel a man.It is therefore a recurrent act of affirmation of sexual identity.
5.Every time a couple make love they are saying to each other that each is the most recognised ,wanted and appreciated person in the other's life.Here it is one of the most powerful means of personal affirmation

Thus each act of intercourse has the potential of giving life to the couple and on a few occasions new life begins.Sexual intercourse is an extraordinarily rich experience.Its richness does not come from physical pleasure but from the strength the pleasure gives to the relationship of a couple.The couple need a continuous,reliable and predictable relationship to make the best use of intercourse.

Share, care and be fair

Three key words for a succesful marriage

Share:Every day spend a few moments simply talking,listening to one another.You will and must share your time,money,your bodies,your home.But above all you need to share your feelings-the joys and sorrows,the successes and failures.You need to communicate inner feelings,to get them out of one heart into the heart of the other.When you feel neglected or angry,even when it is painfil or hurt,you must communicate those sentiments ,whatever the cost.

care:Care is a synonym for love.And love entails giving.Marriage is a give-take,a giving-receiving relationship and there is in it more giving than receiving.Care or love means unselfish giving.

Be fair:All is bliss now,but all won't be heaven tomorrow.There will be disagreements,arguments,misunderstandings;there will be hurt feeling and perhaps harsh words.For you both are imperfect creatures who sometimes fail and aggravate others.These differences can either spoil and destroy your love or strengthen and deepen it.If you quickly reconcile,if you swiftly heal wounds,then your love will plunge to new level and your joy increase.My third bit of advice is:Always make up before you fall asleep.